We live in an age defined by divisions. Lines are drawn, sides are chosen, and the desire to be “right” often overshadows the value of understanding. In this landscape, people are more likely to defend their viewpoint than to seek common ground. It's no wonder that the idea of befriending an enemy sounds idealistic at best—and at worst, foolish.
Yet across cultures and centuries, the call to love those we consider enemies has echoed in spiritual texts, ethical teachings, and even political philosophy. It is one of the toughest things to practice, and perhaps one of the most rewarding. Rather than treat this principle as a lofty ideal, consider a practical approach: work toward turning your enemy into your friend.
This isn’t about pretending nothing happened or agreeing with them. It’s about building a bridge over the hostility. Below are seven grounded strategies to help you take steps in that direction—each one a meaningful act that could shift the dynamic from tension to trust.
1. Give a Real Apology Without Deflection
You’ve likely come across apologies that felt more like excuses in disguise—those statements that start with “I’m sorry if…” or are immediately followed by “but you have to understand…”. These kinds of apologies often only deepen resentment. If you're trying to mend a fractured connection, you’ll need to offer an apology that’s stripped of conditions and qualifications.
Take full ownership of your actions, even if you believe the other person was more in the wrong. Say you’re sorry clearly and without hedging. A heartfelt apology, spoken without self-defense, creates the space for vulnerability and may open the door for mutual understanding. It may not fix everything immediately, but it signals a willingness to repair what’s broken.
2. Choose to Forgive, Even If They Don’t Deserve It
True forgiveness isn’t about waiting for someone to apologize or make things right first. It’s a decision you make internally—for your own peace. You can forgive someone without minimizing what they did or pretending it didn’t hurt.
The key is to release the grip that anger and resentment have on you. Let them know, calmly and clearly, that you forgive them—not as a bargaining chip, but as a choice to no longer carry the emotional burden. They might still treat you coldly for a time. But if you remain consistent in your attitude and keep showing that your heart is open, they’re more likely to soften in return.
3. Search for the Qualities Worth Admiring
This might seem impossible at first—especially when emotions are raw. But even the people we clash with most bitterly often have redeeming traits. When conflict dominates the relationship, our brains tend to filter out anything good and spotlight only what frustrates us.
Pause and look again. Is this person fiercely loyal to those they care about? Do they show perseverance, intelligence, a creative spark? Begin to shift your mental lens, and you’ll start noticing these overlooked traits. When you genuinely compliment them—not flattery, but specific praise—they may begin to question their own view of you.
Let your words be sincere and measured. A few unexpected kind words can have a ripple effect, even if they don’t say anything in return right away.
4. Speak About Them With Respect—Even When They Aren’t Around
This one’s difficult, no question. When someone wrongs you or rubs you the wrong way, gossip becomes an easy outlet. Complaining about them to others, venting your frustrations—it all feels momentarily satisfying. But it rarely stays private, and more importantly, it keeps the hostility alive.
If you're serious about shifting from animosity to connection, then how you speak about this person when they’re not present matters deeply. People often hear what’s said behind closed doors, and when they discover you've been speaking respectfully—or even positively—about them, it may genuinely catch them off guard.
The aim isn't to pretend they’re perfect. Instead, be intentional about avoiding criticism, sarcasm, or character attacks when you discuss them. If you’re going to mention them, find something neutral or commendable to say. This kind of quiet dignity can soften even hardened barriers over time.
5. Find What You Both Have in Common
It’s hard to hate someone up close when you realize you share something—anything—that connects you. Whether it’s a mutual interest in sports, a passion for cooking, a favorite band, or even a shared dislike of early morning meetings, common ground gives you somewhere to begin again.
Ask questions. Get them to open up about what they care about. It might feel awkward at first, especially if there’s a history of tension, but sometimes the smallest shared interest can spark the beginning of trust.
Suggest joining an activity, however low-stakes. Maybe it’s a game night, a casual conversation about weekend hobbies, or a mutual task at work. When you interact through a shared experience, you humanize each other—and that’s where real transformation starts.
6. Step In When They’re Struggling
Enemies aren't always strong. In fact, they might be struggling more than you know. Often, we become blind to the hardships of people we dislike. But showing kindness when they least expect it—especially when they’re going through something difficult—can dismantle years of conflict.
Be observant. Did they recently suffer a loss? Are they overwhelmed at work? Do they look more withdrawn or distracted than usual? Offering even a small gesture—like a sincere message of support or a thoughtful token of care—can leave a deep impression.
It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Sometimes just asking, “Are you okay?” or leaving a note of sympathy during a tough time shows a level of humanity that can't be ignored. These small acts of compassion don’t guarantee immediate friendship, but they create a foundation on which something more respectful can grow.
7. Decide to Love Them—Not Emotionally, But Intentionally
Now we’re at the most uncomfortable and often misunderstood point: loving your enemy. Not the mushy, affectionate love of fairy tales. Not even the warm feeling you have for family and friends. This is a choice-driven, patient, intentional kind of love.
It’s deciding, day by day, to treat them with decency. To resist cruelty, to refuse pettiness, and to act with compassion even when you don’t feel like it. This kind of love doesn’t grow overnight. It’s more like planting a seed in poor soil and watering it anyway, trusting that something good might eventually break through.
You don’t have to feel close to them. You don’t need to pretend there’s no tension. But if you show kindness consistently—if you choose to see their humanity despite your history—you’ll change not only the way they see you but the way you see yourself.
In some cases, this process may lead to a deep and lasting friendship. In others, the hostility may simply dissolve into mutual respect. Either outcome is better than carrying the burden of an unresolved grudge. Start small. Be steady. And let the act of love itself be your quiet revolution.
Turning Workplace Rivals into Unexpected Allies—Franklin’s Clever Approach
Back in the 1700s, during a time when duels were still a thing and reputations were fiercely defended, Benjamin Franklin found himself at odds with a man he couldn’t easily avoid. They had to work together. They shared goals. But they just didn’t click. Tension brewed every time they crossed paths, and it was clear they were not on friendly terms.
But Franklin, a thinker and tactician as much as a statesman, decided to flip the script. He noticed that his adversary had a large and impressive book collection—something he clearly valued and took pride in. So Franklin did something unexpected. He approached the man with a compliment and asked to borrow one of his prized books.
That small act did something extraordinary. The man lent the book, Franklin returned it with gratitude and a thoughtful note, and that simple interaction turned a foe into a friend. From then on, the two worked together closely. The friction was gone.
What worked? It wasn’t manipulation. It was the subtle power of respectful engagement. Franklin appealed to something the other man cared about. He created an opportunity for connection—and the man responded to it.
A Simple Method Inspired by That Strategy
Franklin’s story didn’t just fade into history. In fact, it inspired a practical approach that’s still taught today, especially when it comes to managing difficult dynamics in professional settings. A communication expert named Ullmen distilled this into three actionable steps—an easy-to-follow method to convert cold shoulders into warm handshakes.
1. Ask for Help Where They Shine
Everyone has an area where they feel confident or competent. If you want to connect with someone who currently sees you as competition—or worse, as an adversary—acknowledge their strengths. Ask them for advice or assistance in an area they know well.
Let’s say they’re known for giving excellent presentations. Ask for a few tips. Maybe they’re great at navigating office politics or writing stellar reports—seek their input. Doing this accomplishes two things:
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It shows respect, and
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It breaks the usual pattern of distance or silence.
The moment you ask them for help, you give them the chance to see you not as a rival, but as someone open and receptive.
2. Keep the Ask Reasonable and Easy to Say Yes To
Don’t go big right away. This isn’t the time to ask them to help you with a time-consuming task or to partner on a major project. That would only create pressure. Instead, make your request small, simple, and easy to fulfill.
It could be as light as borrowing a tool, asking for their insight on a task you’re already doing, or even getting a book recommendation. The key is to avoid making them feel like they’re being used. Your ask should feel natural, respectful, and uncomplicated.
3. Show Appreciation That Feels Personal
When someone helps you—especially someone you don’t have a strong bond with—your expression of gratitude matters more than you might think. It doesn’t have to be grand. What’s important is that it feels genuine.
Send a thank-you email. Mention how their input made a difference. If appropriate, go a step further and bring a small gesture of thanks—a coffee, a post-it note with appreciation, or a word of acknowledgment in a meeting.
It closes the loop and signals that you value the connection. Most people—no matter how difficult—respond positively to being seen, respected, and thanked.
Humbling Yourself Might Be the Only Way Forward
Here’s the reality that most people avoid: trying to fix a broken relationship often demands swallowing your pride. If you're in a work environment and constantly clashing with someone, ignoring the issue won't make it go away. It’ll keep festering—and could drag on for years.
Asking for help from someone you don’t like is uncomfortable. It challenges your ego. It may even feel unjust. But in most cases, this move does something profound. It shifts the dynamic. It opens a window where there was once only a wall.
So ask yourself: what’s more valuable in the long run—being “right,” or creating peace? You might be surprised how one small, respectful gesture can transform your working life—and maybe even teach you something about yourself in the process.
