We're living in a world of right vs wrong and good vs bad. You choose sides and then you prove how right you are and how wrong the other is. It is almost universally agreed that one of the greatest and most challenging ethical commands is this: to love your enemies. Many people dismiss this command because they find it impractical, difficult, or downright impossible to follow. One way to apply this law is by learning how to turn an enemy into a friend. Here are seven practical tips:

1. Sincerely apologize

Have you ever heard an apology that went something like this: “I am sorry if I offended you”, or “I am sorry but…”. This type of apology will not work if you want to make an enemy your friend. You must apologize sincerely for your part of the dispute, even if you feel like you are not at fault. You must take full responsibility for it. You must say “I am sorry.” 

2. Forgive the person

Let them know that you forgive them for hurting you. Forgive them truly in your heart. They may remain hostile for a while. But, if you persevere and maintain an attitude of forgiveness toward them, they will eventually respond to your desire for reconciliation and peace.

3. Focus on their good qualities

This might be hard to believe but it is possible to find good qualities in almost anyone. When we have quarrels and disputes with people, it is very easy to fixate on the negative aspects of the person that are causing you to react. This prevents us from seeing what’s good about them. Do you best to step outside of this framework and you will be able to see their good qualities again. Make this your focus. Offer them sincere praise for the qualities you see. 

4. Speak well of them resist the urge to gossip

This is a crucial step. Gossiping about others, especially about our enemies, come so easily to us that it takes a superhuman effort to resist. In order to make this person your friend you must. When speaking about your enemy to others, speak well of them. What you say about others behind their backs will eventually get to them. When you respect them in this way, they will want to return the favor.

5. Discover what you share in common

Whether it be a love for a sport or a similar hobby, exploiting shared interests is a great way to connect with your would-be friend. Get them to talk about themselves and their interests. Invite them to a game. Try to get them to engage in a hobby with you. 

6. Offer help if they are clearly in some need

This is also an important step. Again, we often ignore the ways our enemies struggle. By opening your eyes and seeing life from their point of view, you will discover opportunities to meet some need they might have. For instance, someone may have just lost a close family friend. Taking the time out to express sympathy or to send a card can go a long way to making a friend out of an enemy.

7. Love the person

Yes, we have come to the hardest step. We think it’s impossible to love our enemies because we misunderstand the nature of love. It is not a thing that flow effortlessly, without requiring pain and sacrifice. This kind of love is shallow and fleeting. If it does not grow into something deeper, it is not true love. True love is a conscious decision and often requires focus and effort. Decide in your heart to love the person you now consider your enemy. Decide daily to treat them with compassion.

Loving your enemy creates the possibility of friendship. Love is life-giving, even in harsh soil. Plant your seeds of love today and watch them grow into something beautiful.

 

How to turn a work enemy into a friend, the Ben Franklin way

In the 18th century, when Franklin was around, there was a man Franklin worked with who he had an adversarial relationship with. He had to see this man regularly and they were pushing for the same goal, but they just didn’t get along.

So, Franklin got creative. The man had a large library he was very proud of. Franklin complimented the man on his library and asked to borrow a book from it. The man agreed and Franklin returned it on time, along with a thoughtful thank-you note.

That sole exchange turned Franklin’s biggest enemy into an ally, overnight. The two men worked closely together after that.

The technique? He asked his enemy for help in an area the enemy was strong in. Complimented, the enemy became a friend.

Three steps for using this technique

In his course, Ullmen gave three steps for using this technique. They are:

    1. Ask for help in an area they are strong in.

There’s no bigger compliment than asking someone help in an area they are strong in. For example, say they are great at giving presentations. Ask them for advice on how they prepare when you are preparing for a presentation yourself – they’ll be flattered.

    2. Make it simple.

You want to ask for something but you want to ask for something that’s easy for them to say yes to. Asking for advice is an easy ask. Or, like in the case of Franklin, asking if you can borrow a book.

Avoid big asks, like having them do your presentation for you or some task that’s going to take hours of their time. 

    3. Finally, express gratitude.

Lastly, if they do help you, thank them. Perhaps write them a nice email or get them a small present or something along those lines. That closes the loop – most of the time, by following these three steps, you’ll turn an enemy into a friend. 

The real key to making this happen

Here’s the thing. It probably won’t be fun to ask someone you don’t like for help. It requires the swallowing of your pride.

But what’s the alternative? Stay resentful? And it’s not going away – if you work together, it could go on for years.

So, yes, this does require you to humble yourself. But, almost all the time, it’ll make for a much stronger relationship moving forward, and both of you will be happier.